Terrible Movie, Twice the Fun: Some Thoughts on Clash of the Titans

"WTF am I doing in this movie?"

Clash of the Titans is a film I recently enjoyed in 2D. You may associate this movie with the bus ads featuring Liam Neeson’s flowing mane and his mouth opened in a soundless ‘o.’ He was undoubtedly getting ready to say: “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!”

This movie was horrible, of course, but horrible in the best kind of way. It deals, of course, with the struggle between various titans, including but not limited to Perseus (Sam Worthington), who is a divine-mortal hybrid and son of Zeus (Liam Neeson). Then there’s Zeus. Then there’s Zeus’ brother, Hades (Ralph Fiennes). All three of these titans are playing each other for various reasons.

The movie was short and ambled along at a brisk and muscular pace, sort of like Sam Worthington’s legs. The sets were canned affairs and the CGI was at times appalling, but I don’t think the plume of blackness enshrouding Hades got enough cred for being legitimately awesome.  This is because unlike explosions, mythic monsters, and other typical CGI creations, smoke is fucking endlessly fascinating. (Maybe this is why I can’t quit the smokes meself.) Anyway, the opening credits to Harry Potter 6 feature some magical smoke plumage. But Hades’ smoke is serious stuff: he is spewed from a black cloud that must not be unlike the wrathful exhalations of Eyjafjallajokull.

Anyhoo, Clash of the Titans, like so many other epics conjuring the Ancient Mythical Times of Earth, is hopelessly post-LOTR. But all the same, there are some nice landscape-sweeping shots, their beauty only slightly diminished by various absurdities such as such as giant scorpions trekking across craggy mountains and Zeus-blessed swords falling from the heavens. Other highlights include cameras actually zooming up Sam Worthington’s ass. This makes it all the easier to admire his manliness, I s’pose.

My main complaint was really the lack of sex scenes. Gemma Arterton, once known to my eyes as oil-slick Bond girl and then later as BBC Tess d’Ubervilles, appears as the etherially sexy Io, another divine-mortal hybrid with an ounce of wisdom for each ounce of Perseus’ surging testosterone. She and Perseus threaten to get it on once while they’re on a canoe to hell (sooo romantic), but then they don’t! Frustration.

With these things noted, I can’t believe the movie is going to actually get a sequel! Granted, the movie sets itself up for one, but we can’t always get what we want, especially when the ‘we’ in question is a shitty action movie whose technology has already been made obsolete by the likes of Avatar.

Here is a faithful rendering of the last scene in Clash of the Titans: Zeus swivels from his celestial perch and declares, “Hades has lost his powers… for now!!!” Then Perseus looks up into the sky and says, “I have seen both of my worlds–the worlds of gods and of men. Yet I choose the world of men. FOR NOW!!!”

Okay, so neither of those things really happened, but I recall the sequel set-up was just as tactless. I guess, even when you’re a crappy movie, you deserve a second chance… FOR NOW!!!

Still,  I will probably go see the sequel, if only for more shots of SW’s legs.

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