Everyone Knows Ambiguous Romance Doesn’t Work Out

So I’ve been busy at work lately which is why I haven’t been able to write my follow-up of Tony Leung Love. But right now I’m just sitting at home, a little drunk from a nice bottle of wine I (mostly) shared with a friend, and contemplating the relationship of Counselor Troi and Commander Riker.
Riker was always supposed to be a lady’s man, but let’s just face it, if dude was ever hot, it was before TNG aired. To maintain his figure in later shows, the costume designers were clearly pressed to loosen his uniform. From the way he stands on the Bridge, uncomfortably tall and tight, one wonders whether he is squeezing his ass cheeks together or whether he is wearing a gurdle. If he ever wears casual attire, then he is bedecked in a flowing blouse that is apparently typical of playboys of the 24th century.
Deanna Troi, on the other hand, is a hottie of the first order.
In the show’s universe, Deanna’s sensuality is only slightly subterranean; her lusty walk and deliciously sexy accent tell you that she is probably a real tiger in the bedroom. Perhaps more textually based is Riker’s romantic prowess. Indeed, it is fabled. When he goes on vacay to Riza, he lounges in bed with various intergalactic babes, he’s got that self-satisfied smug, and several fellow shipmates make mention of the fact that he’s been around the corner and back.
Together, Troi and Riker make up 87% of TNG’s romantic subplots. Sure, Dr. Crusher and Jean-Luc threaten to get it on every once in a while, but we all know Crusher’s small lips are sort of a turn off to the carnal lover Jean Luc. Also, and at the end of the seasons, Troi and Worf have a thing, but everyone knows that was a horrible idea. Finally, in one of the movies, I’m pretty sure Riker and Troi get married.
But that’s not till later. My question is, what the hell kind of relationship do they have *before* they get married?
Sometimes, when Riker and Troi are in intimate situations, Riker calls Troi something along the lines of “mmzadi,” which is a Betazoid word for “beloved.” The couple makes reference to times they used to have; their love existed outside and before the TNG universe began. When they both applied to work on the Enterprise, I think they foolishly did something like put their work before their personal lives in order to perform their duties most admirably.
Once on the Enterprise, the two occasionally have reasonable talks about whether or not they made the right decision in leaving one another. Sometimes, they kiss. Yeah, that’s right. There’s an episode where they beam down for a romantic picnic, and Riker takes Troi’s head in his hands, and he probably calls her Mmzadi, and then he fucking kisses her! Just like that!
Doesn’t anyone else think that is crazy? Imagine if your life was romantically on-hold INDEFINITELY, while your true love and you had to interact all the damn time at work. And then one day, you’re just going about your business, though maybe wearing a pink space-age frock, and your exboyfriend just kisses you! But you know nothing will come of it! How would that feel?!
The point is, Troi and Riker’s relationship would never work out in real life. Eventually, someone would get jealous, someone would get lonely, or they’d have a horrible fight and decide never to be friends again. But instead, Troi and Riker just go on for years in a romantic purgatory, always considerate of the other person, always still attracted, but never actually together! And beside Riker’s babe-cation on Riza, I don’t think either person had canoodled in the mean time!!!
My point is, who the fuck writes Star Trek? The answer is: men who have never had romantic relationships. This is also the reason that Geordi has a romance with a woman he first met as a hologram. He falls in love with a virtual person. And he has sexual tension with the hologram. The previously mentioned episode, which is also called BOOBY TRAP, which no doubt the writers had a long, hard, especially hard, laugh about, is probably the most true-to-life shit the TNG writers ever thought of, because it portrayed all the struggles they had when they found out they couldn’t love the women in their video game universes.
*the reason I added ^^^ between each paragraph was because I pasted this post from wordpad, and it wouldn’t let me format this shit correctly. I apologize for your viewing inconvenience.

Shakira, Wolf

OMG! Shakira! She is my favorite Colombian export, after narcotics, coffee and flowers.

“She Wolf,” her new song, features the most demure and girly of moon-lusting howls.

The video shows Shakira dancing like a rubber-jointed circus freak–hot, right? However, let us not forget the dancing scenes in the sparkly star trek cave: she looks like a super awkward but supremely flexible spaz.

I just have two things to say: this song is pure Swedish pop. It’s so pristine. Likewise, Shakira suddenly looks Swedish. I know she’s been gradually getting blonder over the years. But I would feel better if one day, all the non-blond starlets of the world didn’t feel obligated to go blond for some portion of their career. (Here’s looking at you, Beyonce!)

“She Wolf” doesn’t sound like a stomping, organic Shakira song, but it’s one of the best and most interesting singles I’ve heard all year.

The other thing: oh man, women in cages and animal prints. I keep seeing this lately.

Why is being dead so sexy?

Vlad was a sadistic torturer in what was then the kingdom of Wallachia, an area of Romania where a bunch of German speakers still live.
Vlad was a sadistic torturer in what was then the kingdom of Wallachia, an area of Romania where a bunch of German speakers still live.

by anna

The first time the word Vampire appears in the English language was in 1734, according to the OED, and occurred in the following passage, taken from some travelogue:

“These Vampyres are supposed to be the Bodies of deceased Persons, animated by evil Spirits, which come out of the Graves, in the Night-time, suck the Blood of many of the Living, and thereby destroy them.”

It would have helped for the travelers to detail where they may have heard about these Vampyres. Now they’ve got me all curious.

So, even though vampires have existed in Anglo-culture for about 300 years, the medieval transylvanian sexiness of vampires has lately been exploited to the max. For the pre-teen set, you’ve got the Twilight series and it’s movie counterpart. And for adult melodrama junkies, you’ve got the Alan Ball series True Blood.

For no particularly good reason, I have seen the Twilight film and the entire series of True Blood. I am currently working my way through Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a show I cherished unironically in my youth, and now feel compelled to give a second look.

What these three series have in common, and in common with other vampire tales like Dracula, is that vampires possess an ungodly sexiness. Their sex is so profane and subversive that mere mortals can’t resist. It’s as though vampires draw out all the taboo, all the supressed, all the Freudian perversities that lurk in the human imagination: when they come around, it signals a death of civilization, or at least a deterioration of Victorian socio-sexual norms in favor of crude physical wants (they drink blood and do each other, essentially).

These films and shows aren’t just about vampires, they’re about the effect vampires have on humanity, and, like most monster movies, really have a lot more to say about humanity than they do about vampire lore.

But why are they so sexy?

Dracula is allegedly based on the Wallachian (NOT EVEN TRANSYLVANIAN, PEEPS! That is a different region of Romania entirely!) despot Vlad the Impaler, from way-back-when. A few summers ago I attended a SWEESL lecture on Eastern Slavic Vampire myths (I swear, I make no concerted effort to learn about vampire lore, the lore just seems to find me), and the lecturer, a Russian man who had just spent several months living in very rural parts of Bulgaria, Serbia, and elsewhere, told us in no uncertain terms that when one is out in the sticks with people who truly believe in ghosts and spirits and vampires, one starts to believe in them too.

But what fascinated me was that not all Bulgarian vampires suck blood. Their vampires aren’t sexy and share none of the Anglo-lore. One particular incarnation of what could roughly be called a “vampire” was actually a rolling blood sack, something not at all humanoid, but who ran the risk of profaning your dead if you left your dead unattended. According to the lecturer, most folk beliefs that involve vampires see them as evil entities who want your soul, not your flesh. They wait for the dead to be left alone for just a moment, then they’ll take them away and… they’ll turn you into a rolling blood sack. When attempting to give an anthropological reason for why the myth of the dead-profaning vampire exists, our lecturer had troubles. In the end I at least thought it was rather nice, the idea of sitting with the dead, watching over them for at least the first few days after they have passed, warding off the unknown of the abyss…etc.

According to wikipedia but also my hunch, the word ‘vampire’ has Slavic etymological roots. (It definitely sounds old-school slavic to my almost-trained ears.) Then add Vlad the Impaler to the mix and we’ve got the folk roots of vampires in Eastern Europe, which is all they need to solidify their world reputation as Western Europe’s culturally backwards and superstitious little brother.

So what we have on our hands is a strange cultural phenomenon; our vampire culture is our own and has nothing to do with the myths of the lands in which it was created, except that vampires look vaguely Slavic, frequently refer to the good times they had in Prague in the 19th century (i guess it was the place to be for gothic decandence?), and carry an exotic Eastern aura with them wherever they go. They may be blood sacks in Bulgaria, but when they come here, the vampires are just sexy.

Now I have to go watch more Buffy.